


Raising Wesley Crusher

by Iniren



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M, Family, Love, Pre-Canon, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-08-13 06:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20169832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iniren/pseuds/Iniren
Summary: Started out as an idea more Wesley centered, but became more a fleshed out backstory for the Crusher family and friends.





	1. Anticipation

"A boy then?I can't believe it." 

"Well you have about six months more to get used to the idea."

"Bev, how did this...Well I know how... but... wow.... You don't look any different."

"Well, it's still early, plus last night, you weren't really interested in just looking," she smirked.After their brief honeymoon, the newlyweds had been apart for nearly three months. Under the circumstances, both of them were singularly focused when Jack arrived in her quarters on the Starbase.

The couple hadn't elected to take more time off after the wedding to avoid disrupting her education or his recent promotion. Both were driven and ambitious with their careers and accommodated their professional lives in equal measure. She'd taken an immediately available assignment on the Stargazer's primary support base, knowing they could see each other more often, even if it meant shortening the honeymoon. Now it was morning and as they lay in a tangle in her bed, she'd just delivered the news of their pregnancy. 

"Jack, you're OK with this, aren't you? I know we weren't expecting it to happen so soon."

"Yes, yes of course I'm excited. We planned for kids, I just didn't expect it."

"Me too," she smiled.

The couple sat in silence trying to absorb the information. Finally, Jack wrapped his arms around his wife and pulled her tight against him. It was as if he needed her close to breathe in the new phase of life they'd walked into. When he looked at her, he saw tears welling up; hope and fear building behind her blue eyes.

"Hey, Bev, don't worry. I'll put in for a transfer to base or headquarters. I can be closer by..."

"No, Jack, you don't have to. For now, I can finish my rotation here at the base, then I'll be back at the Academy. There are plenty of services there. There's no need to give up an assignment you love."

"But, Bev Honey, I know you're capable, but I want to be there for you both, just in case."

"Jack, you wouldn't ask me to derail my career, I'm not asking you to derail yours. Besides it's not like ancient times where there was no leave, insufficient healthcare, no standard childcare services. We can do this."

Nodding slowly he said, "A baby boy, I'm going to be a father, a dad. I can't believe it."

For now the couple embraced, feeling a mixture of anxiety, anticipation, joy and terror. Later they would make plans, talk of names, adjust leave schedules and a myriad of other things, but for now, Jack kissed Beverly with a new kind of tenderness and love. Both wrapped up in their love for one another spilling into a new life.

===========

"A baby, a boy?"

"Jean-Luc, I think I said the same thing when Bev told me," Jack chuckled.

"It's splendid! Congratulations! To you too, Beverly. You're feeling alright?"

She nodded as she was scooped up for hugs and kisses in turn by Jean-Luc and Walker. Jack was slapped around with bear hugs for congratulations.Once the initial shock had worn off, the couple had been eager to share the news with their best friends and had met in the Captain's quarters to share a meal.

In mock seriousness, Walker asked, "Beverly, are you sure you want to keep him?"

"Walker!" Jean-Luc and Jack exclaimed in shocked confusion.

"Jack, I mean! Bev, he may try to teach the poor kid those awful math puzzles he likes or worse to sing. Poor kid'll need therapy by the time he starts school."

The three friends laughed at the good-natured teasing and Beverly loved sitting in the midst of their camaraderie. She supposed it was what it might have been like having brothers; a little annoying, but fun and happy. They all laughed together.

Beverly leaned into her husband and said, "Well I considered that problem, but I figured with you two as uncles, Wesley will be a lost cause anyway, so I may as well keep Jack." She said his name with such love in her eyes, it silenced the rowdy bunch immediately. The couple seemed under a peaceful spell, as they looked at one another. Only Walker caught the flicker of sadness in Jean-Luc's eyes.

"Come come, no hopeless talk for the poor child. A toast." Shaking them out if their reverie, he quickly poured some synthehol for each of them and raised his glass, "To new life, to the soon to be Wesley Crusher. May he be blessed with his father's integrity and generous spirit. May he have his mother's grace and intelligence.And may he always chart his course with greater wisdom than either of his uncles."

"To new life!"


	2. Arrivals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wesley as a newborn...

Jack received the sub-space call at 0345, that Beverly was in labor. Walker's sister Missy had agreed to step in as labor partner, when it was clear the _Stargazer_ would be too far from headquarters for Jack to make it in time for the baby's birth. They were on a charting mission, but the phenomena were particular sensitive to subspace signals, so the astrometrics department had requested outbound communications silence until the scans were complete. Of course, they could receive signals as they came in weaker and of course Beverly would go into labor when they were only two days into a six-day scan cycle. Thankfully, the captain had agreed when the call came through that Jack could be relieved of duty until he received word of his son's birth, reasoning he would have been entirely too distracted for duty anyway.

As the minutes ticked by, Jack questioned the decision to let Beverly do this without him. Previously they'd joked that in ancient times fathers were not allowed to witness childbirth and generations survived the experience. But now, he hated not knowing and felt utterly helpless halfway across the galaxy. He kicked himself for agreeing to the arrangement and he resolved that regardless of Beverly's objections, he'd make himself available for any future children. He laughed at the thought -  _ Jack, you haven't even had one and you're already planning the future ones. _

Finally at 0820, he received notification that Wesley Howard Crusher was born at 2135 local Earth Pacific time, weighing 3.31 kg and measuring 50.8 cm. Doing the calculations, he knew the time difference between beginning labor and birth was too short. Shaking his head he thought -  _ Beverly! So damned independent! Just had to wait until the last second. When we're allowed to communicate back, I'm going to let her know what I think of her little stunt. _

Of course all these thoughts faded away when he received the short video image that accompanied the notification. In it he saw his exhausted wife, beaming with a tiny red newborn, apparently very angry at being thrust into a cold, dry, and bright world. Jack marveled at the image, he was seeing his son. He stared at the screen as the image looped over and over. Head of dark hair and brown eyes from him, slender fingers and apparently his mother's temper, he thought.

Taking the PADD he wiped away the tears that had welled in his eyes and made his way to the ready room to show his best friends.

======

The _Stargazer_ has been so far out in deep space between getting back to familiar and reliable transportation routes, it had taken nearly eight weeks for Jack to return to Earth.He hurried to Beverly's quarters to see her and meet the son he'd only met by subspace.They'd coordinated to take their parental leave whenever their schedules aligned to allow them to continue their work. Beverly figured they could stretch the allotted time out for years considering the complexity of their careers.

"Beverly?" he called out.

"In here, Jack," she called from the bedroom. When he walked in he saw her bathed in mid-morning light, hair glowing red and amber, looking down at the little nursing infant. Jack's breath caught as he stood before the peaceful sight.

"Beverly," he whispered, "you're so beautiful. He's beautiful too." He knelt down beside them placing a tender kiss on his son's head. Of course the child was far more interested in finishing his meal.

"He looks like you, Jack. The first few weeks were a little rough, very fussy had a hard time sleeping.It was good my academic advisors insisted I take the first six weeks to recover and figure out the routine, but now he's a lovely baby."

"I wondered about that when you told me you wanted to go right back to work afterwards. Next time, Bev, we're not doing it this way. I'm going to be here, I don't care about work."

"Jack, you're already planning our second? You've barely met Wesley." She laughed as she shifted to burp the sleepy baby. Her heart nearly burst watching her husband's face, completely mesmerized by his son.

"I know, but I was a wreck halfway across the galaxy, taking weeks to get here. Jean-Luc practically kicked me off the ship, he said I was so distracted. The ship will arrive in a few weeks for overhaul, the boys want to visit then," he paused and whispered, "He's already changed so much."

"Well you'll be here for at least a month, go wash your hands and you can hold him."Beverly carefully wrapped the infant and indicated Jack to her place in the rocker. Carefully, she guided his hands to hold the baby. Jack's eyes welled with tears as he smiled down at the sleeping child as Beverly sat on the arm of the chair.

Both of them had never anticipated the feelings that overwhelmed them now. They had always been ambitious and career-driven, ready for the adventure of exploration, but now in this tiny moment, both felt a greater wonder. A feeling equal to the awe and wonder of the universe all wrapped in a tiny being, they'd helped created.

=========

The couple lay amongst their skewed bed sheets satisfied and languidly stroking one another. After a day of getting acquainted with his son and learning how to care for him, Jack happily spent this portion of the night getting reacquainted with his fiery-haired wife. Beverly was overwhelmed with her husband's eagerness and determination to do everything he could for his son. Jack said he had a lot of time away to make up for and Beverly appreciated the break.

"God, Jack, I've missed you," she finally sighed.

Smirking, he answered, "Likewise, Bev." He propped himself on one elbow and gazed at her. She looked up at him with her bright blue eyes, auburn tresses wildly scattered around her face, she traced a meandering line from his neck down his sternum, half remembering something from an anatomy class. "Bev," he said seriously, "I meant what I said earlier about being here if we have another."

She laughed lightly, "Ok, but give us a few years, Jack. We don't even know if we'll be any good with Wes yet."

He scoffed, "Of course, we'd be good. We're an amazing team. Your brains and looks, my fabulous singing voice and obviously superhuman stamina," he said indicating their current state, "He'll be amazing."

Stretching up she pressed her bare body against him and kissed him passionately. Pulling away for a moment for a breath, she softly said, "I should probably tell you. What we just did a moment ago... there was no WAY, we could do that right after I gave birth."

Bursting with laughter he slide a rough hand from her rib cage, down her side to her lower back, enjoying the newfound softness that motherhood had given her. He playfully said, "Well since you've warned me, I guess I can live with that, but maybe while Wes is sleeping we can make up for the time I've been gone?" he asked with a hopeful look.

"Oh I've been counting on it," she said as she pushed him onto his back and devoured him with a kiss.

=========

When Jean-Luc and Walker arrived at their quarters a few weeks later they were greeted by an elated Jack with laughter, slaps on the back, and bear hugs. It always seemed, to Beverly at least, that their brand of affection was one step away from wrestling, but she loved seeing it because they were so happy.

"So where's my godson and his lovely mother?" Walker eagerly asked.

"She's just finishing feeding him," Jack replied, "she'll be out in a moment."

"You don't feed him at the table?" the captain asked.

"Uh...at this age and with present company, no. It may be natural, but Beverly would rather do that in private, Jean-Luc."

The captain blushed when it dawned on him what Jack had meant. "I'm sorry... I hadn't thought..." he stammered. His two friends could barely contain their laughter.

"Jean-Luc," a soft voice called out, "Don't listen to them. There isn't any reason, you'd know anything about babies. Come meet Wesley." He turned to find Beverly carrying the small bundle as she walked into the small living area. A hush fell over the three men as she took her seat, all captivated by her serenity and grace. Slowly they joined her taking their places, Jack and Walker on either side of her and Jean-Luc in the chair facing them.

"He's completely out after his meal. This is the easiest time to hold him if you're interested," she offered.

"We'll hand him over, Bev!" Walker reached out eagerly. He was a well-practiced uncle from his sisters' children and held Wesley securely and steadily. Jack watched with envy at his ease. It had taken him weeks to feel that comfortable with holding Wesley. 

Conspiratorially he said, "Hi Wes, it's your Uncle Walker. We've been hearing so much about you. Maybe too much that's all your Dad talks about now. When you get older, I'll teach you all about warp engines and how to beat your Dad at cards."

"Hey!" Jack whispered in mock indignation. The two continued trading in some good-natured insults and complimenting his mother's better nature. Beverly loved watching them dote over her son. She'd been so independent all her life, only now did she really appreciate the bond of family. It wasn't that you needed family for something, but it was that you got to enjoy special moments together. 

"Now enough you two," softly she offered, "Jean-Luc, would you like to hold him?"

"Uh...no."

"No? Just 'No,' Jean-Luc?" Jack asked, stifling his mirth.

"No thank you?" he offered. The group burst into laughter at his obvious discomfort. Undeterred, Beverly stood up and gently took her son from Walker and carried the infant over to his reluctant uncle, carefully placing the wiggling bundle in Jean-Luc's arms. While still uncomfortable, the captain notorious for his dislike of children, gradually relaxed into position.

After a moment or two Wesley's tiny eyes blinked open to look at his uncle. Jean-Luc looked up, apparently ready to hand off the infant, but Beverly knelt beside them and motioned for him to stay put. The steady gaze of two large brown eyes, prompted the captain to speak.

"Good morning, Cadet, it's a pleasure to meet you," he whispered, "I know you are very young, but a great deal will be expected of you. You'll have to civilize your father and uncles, which may be a lost cause, but we'll teach you to chart the stars and be a better man than any of us...."

With the kind words spoken in soothing baritone, the infant watched his face intently, then promptly sneezed. The group erupted in laughter again and the captain endeavored to hand the infant back to his mother.

"Oh Jean-Luc, your face." Jack gaspedthrough his laughter.

"Jack! Don't listen, Jean-Luc. What you said was lovely and you did just fine," she soothed as she cradled the infant beside him. He was thankful for her presence, while he loved his friends, his reserved, poetic nature with things of importance often made him the butt of their teasing. She was always protective of him in those moments and secretly he loved her attention. He had a tender spot in his heart for Beverly, ever since he'd met her, keen intelligence equally balanced by a generous kindness. He often wondered if he could have given up his solitary life for somebody of equal quality, but shook off his musings, more often than he'd like to admit.

=======

Beverly returned from her dinner with Jack, entering her quarters quietly. Walker and Jean-Luc insisted they would watch Wesley while the couple had a dinner out and Beverly reluctantly agreed after seeing Jack's eagerness, despite Jean-Luc's hesitation. So it particularly surprised her to find Jean-Luc carrying a sleeping Wesley against his chest in the bedroom.

Quietly she listened as the captain spoke gently of astronomical wonders, myths and legends of constellations, and of things he wanted to show Wesley when he was older. She enjoyed the gentle cadence of his voice and when he turned and saw her, he stopped suddenly, startled by her presence.  His expression asked her if he was doing alright and she nodded smiling.

Whispering, "Walker had to take a call from headquarters."

"I know. He bumped into us on his way back. They went to celebrate."

"Yes, Admiral Quinn, notified me earlier about the offer. You didn't go with them?"

"No, I couldn't leave you alone with this terrifying baby," she teased, "also I missed him... It's a wonderful opportunity for Walker, the _Horatio_."

"As long as he doesn't poach Jack for his ship," the captain said sternly.

"I don't know why they didn't come back for you to celebrate? Usually Jack can't wait for opportunities for the three of you to carouse together."

"They probably think it's funny to leave me with a baby, but I'm finding I rather enjoy it. He's really quite marvelous, Beverly."

"Well you look quite at home with him," she observed leaning beside him.

"Well not so much the diapers. I should probably tell you Walker and I haven't quite mastered the diapering. I'm not sure what state the area around the changing table is in. If it's any indication, Wesley will likely be an excellent shot with a phaser," he said apologetically. 

She laughed at the image of the two comrades wrestling with her son's diaper.He inhaled deeply as she absentmindedly caressed his back while gazing at her son's sleeping face. Secretly, Jean-Luc allowed himself to imagine himself in Jack's place; married with a beautiful wife and son. He shook off the fantasy as an indulgence and prepared to hand off his godson.

"Well, I'd best be going. Maybe I can catch up with them..." he gingerly passed Wesley to his mother, "Beverly?"

"Yes, Jean-Luc?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For letting me be part of this," he said vaguely indicating the room, "for everything. It's not often a confirmed bachelor gets to feel at home. Wesley is very blessed."

She smiled as she gently placed her son in his cradle. "Well of course, you're family. This is always your home."

With that he stepped away and nodded goodbye with a lopsided smile of satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That bit about Picard saying "no" to holding a baby. That was me, totally did that once.


	3. So many words

"Well I'm not quite sure what to do, Jack. On the one hand he's hitting every other milestone, but on the other I would have expected him to start talking or babbling a bit more by now."

The parents were speaking over a subspace channel, since the Stargazer was in range for direct communications. They relished the opportunities to chat and meet, if only over a screen. Whenever they despaired over the distance between them, they remembered that generations of families before them lived apart without the benefit of reliable communications. They counted themselves blessed, even when it was difficult.

Wesley was nearly two years old and happily growing and playing, except that he rarely said or attempted to say anything. Being a physician, Beverly had already ruled out any biological reason for this and after speaking with parents and physicians around her, they'd all said it was just a matter of time. Jack hated to see the worry in her eyes, but tried to hide his own concerns.

"Bev, I don't know what else there is to do, but wait him out. You said he's tracking everything around him and following instructions, maybe he just doesn't have anything to say yet," his eyes softened as he looked at his wife, "Bev, I know you're doing the best for Wes. You're a great mom."

She smiled lopsidedly only partially convinced of his words. Until having Wesley, she'd always been able to solve the challenges she faced, but with her son, she'd run out of practical things to do. Now she had to run on faith that things would work out. "I miss you, Jack."

"I know, Bev. I'll be back in a few weeks. Who knows Wes may decide to surprise us all before we get there. Just focus on getting ready for your transfer to Starbase 32. It's your first official assignment, Doctor Crusher."

She smiled shyly and nodded. So focused on her son, she'd nearly forgotten that she'd completed the first phase of her medical training. Inwardly she beamed knowing she'd earned the right to call herself a physician, but tempered her pride, knowing she still had a lot to learn. Brightening a bit she smiled, "Tell Jean-Luc 'Thank you,' for nudging the schedule so you could be here."

"Will do, besides he wants to celebrate with us when we get there. Love you."

"Love you, too. Crusher out."

The parents, separated by light-years, ached to see one another, knowing that the distance was a strain. It wasn't really the distance, but knowing they could not be present when one or the other faced trials was draining. Over the years of their marriage, they'd noticed that when they were together they lived idyllically, but as Jack prepared to depart, the last days would descend into petty arguments and half-hearted farewells. Then alone, they would long for each other again, consoled by the good memories of their visit and regretting any harsh words. At least now they knew the pattern and endeavored to stop the petty arguments in favor of gentle reassurances of their love.

========

"Mama?" said the tiny little voice, as he stared intently at the mobile in his room, a model of the Sol system. Beverly sighed, literally two days after her conversation with Jack, Wes began to speak, but not in the way she had expected. She had anticipated incoherent babbles, slowly progressing steadily from simple words to comprehensible language, but Wes went from one or two words one day to multisyllabic words and rudimentary sentences the next. 

"Yes, Wesley?" she answered.

"Planets, Mama."

"Yes, Dear. Those are planets."

"Planets orbit wrong," the serious toddler answered.

"Wrong? What do you mean?"

"Elliptical orbits, Mama. Those wrong."

She sighed inwardly, now she was also noticing he actually understood concepts. She remembered Jack holding the year-old Wes and absentmindedly mentioning the orbits being elliptical, apparently he'd been listening.

"You're right, Wes. And what shape is an ellipse?"

"Oval. Mama fix it? It broken."

"Wes, the orbits are only slightly elliptical and I can't right now, Wes. Mama's trying to review her case files. Can you play something else?"

The boy frowned and nodded. He appeared to take an interest in arranging some blocks and Beverly thought, she could finally focus on her work. She laughed recalling her anxiety about him not speaking just a week ago. Now that Wes had found his words he used them --- all the time. Now it was elliptical orbits, before it was why were the plants that shape, the time before that was the shuttlecraft models had mistakes. It had been going on since breakfast.

"Mama?"

"What, Wes?" she answered exasperatedly. 

"Wes fix it. See."

She looked down to see he had arranged the blocks to slightly elliptical paths around her potted bromeliad and used the specimen cases from her med kit as the planets. Luckily they were empty, but Beverly had run out of her patience.

"Wes. You can't take Mama's things out of her med kit!" Sighing, "Sweetie, lets go to the playroom, so Mama can finish her work."

"Ok, Mama. That one go, OK Mama?" Indicating the mobile, "Wes planets stay, OK?"

Sighing again, "OK, Wes. The mobile can go, but Mama needs her cases back. I'll switch them for something else, ok? But later," Beverly scooped up the toddler and headed for the childcare center. 

The teachers all adored Wes with his quiet thoughtful ways and commented on his gentle manner and serious expression. They'd remarked how it seemed there was something smoldering in his little mind and how he was always arranging things in neat orders and specific arrangements. The only behavior problem he had in childcare was when another little boy re-arranged Wes's latest project. The teachers marveled at his language progress over the last week and happily greeted the pair when Wes arrived.

"We weren't expecting you today, Doctor."

"Yes, Wes was a bit too busy for me to finish my last assignments before the transfer."

"Ms. Anny, the planets were wrong." Wes offered gravely.

The teacher nodded, "OK, Wes let's see if we can find some better ones here and let Mommy finish her work," turning to Beverly, "He's talking your ear off, isn't he?"

"Yes! So many words," she sighed,"Thank you, Anne. I'll be back in a few hours. Bye, Wes," she called to him, but he was already working on a new project with some other building toys.  _ Daddy will be very surprised when he sees you tonight, Wes,  _ she thought as she left.

======

"Hey, Wes. We're going to have fun while Mommy gets her new office set up. We'll go on an adventure and look around the new starbase."

The small boy blinked his brown eyes. Quiet by nature he was even quieter when his father came to visit; partly because of the disruption in the routine and partly because Jack tended to be overly enthusiastic on his visits. 

The pair wandered through the halls and cooridors: crew quarters, guest quarters, recreation area, dining establishments, childcare areas, medical facilities and so forth. Over time, Wesley grew excited and giggled with his father. "Daddy, can we go home, the new one?"

"Sure, Wes."

Once in the new quarters, Wes set about with paper and pencils, while Jack went to replicate a meal for them. When he called Wes and received no answer, he looked in the bedroom and found him curled on the floor asleep on his drawing, a surprisingly accurate rendering of the base.

Jack debated waking his son and just sat on the floor watching him peacefully sleep. He pulled over a small blanket over his son and watched the rise and fall of the toddler's breath. Jack would have never considered himself a family-man, but here he was with a family. He pulled a pillow to the floor and laid on his side watching the delicate features of Wesley's face. He tried to picture what he might become perhaps an engineer like Walker had been, or a scientist-physician like his mother, perhaps a pilot like he'd been.

"Wes, you can be anything you want," he whispered, "just be happy doing it and if you can, find somebody special to do it with."

=====

Beverly had returned for lunch and found both Jack and Wes asleep on the floor. Meeting her in the corridor, Jean-Luc had accompanied her hoping to ask Jack about their departure schedules. The two smiled when they found the sleeping pair and left for the living room.

"Jean-Luc, can I get you some lunch?" she whispered.

"Whatever you're having us fine."

They quietly had their meal in silence. Jean-Luc mused about his best friend. Jack had mentioned his reservations about being a parent years ago, wondering if he'd be a good parent considering the time and distance his life required. Truthfully Jean-Luc rather agreed, but now he saw a kind of maturity and compassion grow in his second officer that he hadn't expected. He saw it made his ship run smoothly and he could see the benefits to Jack's young family. Looking across at Beverly's serene face half watching for a sign of her husband emerging from the bedroom, he asked her, "Are you excited about the position, Beverly? This is the Stargazer's new primary support base, you'll be able to see Jack a bit more too."

"I'm looking forward to it. Ever two months is better than twice a year. It's really hard, Jean-Luc," she said wistfully, "I can see why you avoided marriage and family."

"I don't really consider that a virtue, just my circumstances. I rather envy what you and Jack have, even though I know it's not always ideal."

"That's very sweet," she said taking his hand, "and you never know the woman of your dreams maybe right around the corner."

_Maybe closer_ he  mused, but he shook off the thought when he heard Jack. He turned and saw him carrying a groggy Wesley to the table.

"Hey! I didn't hear you come in. Hi, Bev," giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"I saw you and Wes we're recovering from you grand adventure. I didn't want to wake you."

The three friends laughed and caught up. Wes sat quietly next to his uncle Jean-Luc, observing him intently and listening to his voice. Unnerved by the level of attention, he turned to the small boy and asked gently, "Wesley, is there something you have to say?"

Gravely the small child stared and softly said, "You had more hair." To which Jack erupted with bellowing laughter as Beverly winced. Seeing the small boy's confusion from his parents response, the captain calmly answered, "You're quite right, Wesley." To which the small boy nodded with satisfaction and leaned in against his uncle.

While Jean-Luc didn't particularly enjoy children as a whole, he did enjoy the company of his godson. He enjoyed his quiet thoughtful manner and that one could converse however simply with him, rather than having to make silly faces or act in an uncomfortable manner. Secretly he beamed with pride when Wesley seemed to prefer him to anybody else.


	4. Balfour Lake

The happy family worked together to prepare their campsite. After years of quick visits, the business of caring for an infant, and working shore leaves, the young family has set aside two full weeks for rest and recreation. Beverly was slated to begin a prestigious internship on Delos IV after two years working with distinction on starbases and Jack would be promoted to first officer upon an available opening.

In planning the trip Beverly had suggested the warm beaches of Pacifica, but Jack refused, saying he wanted to be away from everything and wanted to camp with Wesley the way he had with his father. Beverly began to protest until she saw Jack's eagerness and heard Wes' squeals of delight. She was outnumbered and knew better than to argue.They did come to a compromise however; yes to camping at Balfour Lake, but booking a cabin nearby just in case. She reasoned this would be their first camping trip together and in case of inclement weather there should be an alternative and an opportunity for decent baths.

They'd opted for having their gear beamed to the campsite and hiked three kilometers to get themselves there. Jack and Beverly had agreed to take turns carrying Wes if he should become too tired, but the novelty of the adventure allowed the boy to practically bounce over the distance. He peppered both parents with questions about their experiences camping, about poisonous plants or animals they'd encountered, and the stars they'd see at the lake and anything of interest along the hike. Both parents were exhausted from answering him, but pleased to see his joy.

On their final night of camping the parents watched as Wes happily threw Manta leaves in the fire. Jack explained to him how the thick, dried leaves would pop in the fire as the water trapped within created steam from the fire's heat and how the plants evolved the water reservoirs to combat the periodic droughts that affected the planet. Wes listened with rapt attention and Beverly smiled, as she watched the two interact. Jack had described himself as not particularly fatherly, but over the years he approached fatherhood with the same focus and determination he did with any professional assignment and thus was equally successful. It might not have been everybody's image of a father, but particularly for Wesley, it seemed to work.

Leaving Wes to the task of finding the dry leaves and watching them pop, Jack sat down next to his wife.Watching his son intently, he asked, "Bev, what do you think about another?"

"Another?" She repeated, not understanding his question.

"Another child, Bev. You're getting settled in your career, I am too. We don't have to drive quite so hard. Maybe it's time... We clearly make excellent product," laughing as he indicated their son, "What do you think?"

Beverly hadn't expected Jack to be the one to bring it up. Neither had been especially attached to the idea of a family, but over the years struggling ang growing, they'd come to enjoy and treasure it. Now having had focused time together to just enjoy one another made professional accomplishments seem pale by comparison. Slowly eyes locked on his she nodded.

"Really, Bev? How about we get started tonight?" he asked playfully.

"In a tent, with our son between us after days without a bath? Please, Jack, a woman likes a little romance," she countered.

Laughing, he said, "Ok, tomorrow then back at the cabin," pausing as if recalling something, he continued, "Privacy and a bath. If I knew that's all you needed, Bev, I wouldn't have worked so hard to convince you to marry me."

"I do not count that book you proposed with as 'working hard.' It's a good thing you're very charming and funny. I like funny. Very cute too," she added mischievously.

"Cute? Ugh," he groaned. This had been an ongoing joke for them - Jack lamenting that no man sought to be "cute," preferring "sexy" or "hot." It was also understood by both that she made the statement when particularly aware of the more earthy attributes of her husband.Wishingto leave no doubt she brought her hand to his face and captured his lips with a searing kiss. Wesley witnessing the sudden action, replied, "Yuck," to which his parents burst out laughing.

"Hey watch this, Bev," he said mischievously, "Wes, what would Uncle Jean-Luc say watching you throw leaves like that?"

Pausing thoughtfully Wes sternly replied, "Make it so, Mister Crusher," punctuated with a stern finger point. At this the three were rolling with laughter, but Beverly quieted quickly.

"Jack, you shouldn't have taught him that. I know he'd never admit it, but I think Jean-Luc is very lonely."

"I know, Bev, but he's found some way to make it work for himself. Besides he has you to look after him," he smiled.

The two men shared much in the way they approached their lives; earnest, focused, and deeply committed to their ideals. They both had few family ties: Jean-Luc due to disagreements about his life, Jack from some tragic losses. Both had faced their own mortality; Jack from injuries due to the shuttle accident that had claimed his parents and Jean-Luc from a Nausican dagger. The only difference was that the younger man had chanced to meet Beverly at a time when, he was able and willing to make adjustments to accommodate a life partner. Jack had seen his captain with various women over the years, but he never talked with them the way he talked to Beverly. Jack counted himself blessed to be favored by her warmth, wisdom and passion, hoping that one day his friend would be so favored.

Shaking off their mutual reverie they welcomed the distraction of Wes' popping leaves and his warm sticky-fingered embrace as he squeezed between them. The family laughed basking in the joy of the moment and after a time settled into their tent satisfied and gloriously happy as the drifted off to sleep.


	5. Tours of Duty

Wesley buzzed with excitement, so much so he refrained from his usually string of endless questions as his father led him to the transporter. Jack had arranged to visit the _Stargazer_ for his fifth birthday as it was currently docked at Delos IV before a long deep-space mission. Wesley received a mock briefing from his father had given him, as if he were a real cadet. 

"Cadet Crusher," Jack began seriously, "You have already received a briefing from Dr. Mommy. I expect you to remember what she told you." Wes desperately tried to stifle a giggle. Jack continued, "I also have some very important information for you. On an official Starfleet vessel, you will address the officers as "Sir" and only speak if spoken to. You do not ask a million questions, but you can save them to ask Lt. Cmdr. Daddy in your quarters later. Most importantly, the captain is to be addressed as 'Captain,' not 'Uncle Jean-Luc.' Do you understand, Cadet?"

Wesley nodded seriously, "Yes, sir, Commander Daddy, sir," to which Jack replied with a smile, amused by the boy's determination to be grown up. They could see the titles were going to confuse him, but the parents found it so endearing, they didn't bother correcting their son.

"Very good. You have been authorized to tour the second officer's quarters and office, engineering, the astrometrics lab, and ... the bridge. I needn't remind you any behavior unbecoming an officer will be subject to reprimand... and discipline by tickles." To which Wesley erupted into laughter, as Jack mercilessly tickled the small boy. 

"Jack, that is definitely not going to help him behave," Beverly sighed shaking her head.

"Don't worry, Bev. I'll just carry him through the corridors if it gets to be too much for him. You sure you don't want to come?"

"No, I have some reports to catch up on and I'll be too nervous watching Jean-Luc staring at a child on his bridge."

"Ok, we'll see you later."

"Bye, Dr. Mommy, sir. I'll be good!"

======

Wes had seen all the areas they had planned except the bridge where his Uncle Jean-Luc was on duty. Thus far, the boy had been a model cadet. Even when the junior officers who liked children fawned over him, Wes maintained a professional focus beyond his years. At least until they were out of sight, then he giggled and whispered to his Commander Daddy all the thoughts and observations he'd kept pent up.

"Ok, Wes we're going to the bridge now. Do you remember everything I told you?" Jack whispered at the bridge entrance.

"Yes, Commander Daddy," he said resolutely.

The lift doors opened to the bridge and Wesley strode out to stand at attention before the stalwart captain. Jack beamed as he followed closely behind, smiling at crewmen who watched the pair with curiosity.

"Now now. What's this?" asked the captain gravely.

"Good morning, Captain, sir. Junior Cadet Crusher of Delos IV Colony reporting, sir Uncl--- I mean, Captain," the small boy announced, eyes straight ahead as his father had taught him. Jean-Luc struggled to stifle a smile at his godson's adorable determination, but threw a mirthful glance at his second officer. An idea playfully drifted to mind and Jean-Luc asked, "Hmph. Is that so Cadet? Can you tell me who gave you these orders?"

Surprised and unsure of how to answer the unexpected question, Wesley thought and answered with all the gravity a five year old could muster, "Lt. Cmdr. Daddy issued the orders, Captain," to which the bridge crew giggled and Jack blushed. Wes' confidence wavered with their response, not knowing why his answer would be funny. Jean-Luc seeing the young boy's concern, gently and professionally thanked him for the very correct information.

Jean-Luc gently pointed out the different stations for the boy, where "Commander Daddy" sat and then announced to the crew that he would be in an important meeting with Cadet Crusher and Commander Daddy. Wes happily strode into the ready room with his Uncle feeling proud and very grown up.

Once inside, Jean-Luc scooped up his godson causing him to burst into laughter. 

Wes hugged his Uncle and asked, "Did I do good, Uncle Jean-Luc, Captain?"

"Yes, Wesley, you did very well. You'll be a real Cadet before you know it. Go there behind my desk, I have a birthday present for you. I had one like it when I was about your age."

He ran behind and found a box to build a model of a Constellation-class vessel. Wes had shown an aptitude for building these type of models so the captain felt the challenge would not be beyond the boy's abilities. " It's like your ship. May I build it now, Captain Uncle Jean-Luc?" the boy asked.

"Yes, Wesley, but in my ready room with just your father and I, I can be Uncle Jean-Luc, alright?" He nodded in understanding and tore into the model. Turning to his best friend he spoke, "Jack, this new mission. It's a long one, six months at least before we get back to base. Are you sure you want to take it? I could arrange that temporary assignment nearby."

"No, Jean-Luc. Bev and I talked about it. It'll be fine. Wes'll be starting school so he'll be busy too."

The elder man shook his head. In hushed tones indicating Wesley, "He'll still want you around, even if he's busy with school, Jack." He sighed, "I guess I don't understand you. I wouldn't be able to be gone from them like this."

"You have to remember, Jean-Luc, we've done our marriage like this from the beginning. It's not such a big shift. Besides, you know Bev. So independent, she'd never let me skip a good assignment just for her."

Jean-Luc nodded remembering her reaction when he'd suggested taking an alternate assignment when they last had dinner together. She absolutely refused to hear it, unless there was a reason other than her benefit. They had almost convinced her on Wesley's behalf, but she assured them she and Wes would be fine in their absence usingthat professional tone she reserved for her most stubborn patients. Neither man could argue with her when she spoke thusly and both laughed that it was no wonder she had such excellent patient outcomes with such a skill.

"Well, we don't leave until a few more days. I'm insisting on shore leave for you until your departure. I order you to enjoy your family thoroughly and if you try to come back on the ship before then, I'll have colony security detain you in your quarters," he said half-jesting.

"Ok ok" he replied with his hands up in surrender, "Hey, Wes,I mean Cadet Crusher, can you please gather your project and prepare for departure?"

"Yes, Commander Daddy, sir."

"Say thank you to the Captain."

"Thank you, Uncle Jean-Luc," giving him a hug. 

"You're welcome, Cadet. You have done an excellent job on your first tour aboard."

"Uncle Jean-Luc, can I come serve on your ship again?"

"Of course, but it'll be sometime later, maybe when you're older and can reach the consoles I think. Next time bring your mother too," he said softly.

"OK. Good-bye, Uncle Jean-Luc," with that Jack gathered up the boy and took him home.

======

Jack spent his entire days with Wesley before the Stargazer's departure. They discussed Wes' school placement as he'd showed skill beyond his age in mathematics and language, but decided staying with peers would be better for now. There wasn't any rush his teachers had said and if adjustments needed to be made, they could be done later.

The couple enjoyed their last nights together, making love languidly, frenetically or any other way they felt. They joked since they'd be apart, they should leave the other something worth remembering, but it became a sort of competition where there were only winners. Even Wes benefited as his parents were more relaxed and happy than he'd seen them since Balfour Lake.

When it was time to leave, the family parted with no concerns, peaceful and contented. Jack gave an extra long hug to Wesley and told him to listen to his "Dr. Mommy." When he turned to Beverly, he hugged, kissed her and simply said, "See you soon." As he shimmered away on the transporter pad, Beverly suddenly had a small pang of panic, but shook it off as she and Wes turned to leave.  _You just miss him already_ she thought smiling.


	6. Losses

Beverly was caught off guard when Dr. Quaice called her into his office.She'd just finished running her third and final assay on the vaccine samples and was concerned that she'd made an error based on his grave expression. The elder physician along with his wife had a very close rapport.With no children of their own, they'd come to look on the young doctor and her son with a nearly parental affection. 

Offering her a seat, he began slowly, "Beverly, there's been an accident. Your husband, Commander Crusher didn't make it."

Beverly sat there trying to absorb what her mentor had just said. It was as if she heard him through a very long tunnel the words muddied by the reverberation. She shook her head, "There's been a mistake. I just talked to Jack two days ago...we talked about..." Her voice trailed off into her memories. The two had been making plans for when he'd return, another vacation perhaps to Pacifica, as she'd suggested before. She'd teased that they would surely come home with that second child as a souvenir. He'd blushed because Jean-Luc had just called him over the comm. system. The two laughed and quickly signed off.

A gentle woman's voice gently continued, "There's no mistake, Beverly. Dalen received the mission report, the death certificate. The _Stargazer_ is headed for Starbase 32." Beverly hadn't even noticed that Dr. Quaice's wife, Patricia had been in the room.The kind woman knelt in front of Beverly and held her trembling hands. She'd worked in Starfleet for decades alongside her husband and had to deliver tragic news far too many times. She'd learned it was better to just be present and say nothing, but never had she wished more for comforting words to come.

Beverly sat stoic and still, lost in a swirl of emotions, memories, and futures that would never be. Finally, she said, "I need to find Wesley... Oh God! I have to tell him." Only then did the gravity of the loss hit her. She still did not show any outward emotion, but simply rose from her chair, leaving her mentors stunned.  Dr. Quaice motioned for his wife to stay with his protege, desperately trying to understand her reaction. "I'll come with you," Patricia stammered, "I'll help you with tell him."

"No wait! I don't want to disrupt his schedule. I'll get him at the regular time," Beverly said. She walked out of the office back to her lab. Patricia followed a bit baffled and watched Beverly go back to work. After an hour of watching her with no sign of stopping she returned to her husband's office.

Both were puzzled and confused. Dr. Quaice sent a communication back to Captain Picard that Dr. Crusher had been notified, but that it would be helpful to communicate with her directly if possible. Jean-Luc read the message and cringed, but sent a short missive in reply and composed an equally short message to his best friend's widow. He would speak with her directly over a channel soon.

The accident had been an unexpected one. An errant astronomical phenomenon striking the ship's nacelle. To avert destruction of the ship, a team was deployed to sever the nacelle manually. One man was injured," the other, Jack, was forced to complete the operation alone. In the end the ship and crew were saved, but as the captain attempted to retrieve the injured crewman, he saw his second officer and dearest friend caught in the blast of the nacelle.

Despite the debris and the danger, he pulled Jack's lifeless body back inside the ship. The medical team bustled round in an attempt to revive him, but the captain watched helplessly knowing it was hopeless. Inwardly he felt as though his heart had imploded with the same force that would have destroyed the ship. He was flooded with the minute decisions he'd made until that moment, but when his CMO pronounced the time of Jack Crusher's death, the captain now was flooded with the images of all that he must do.

Efficiently he completed reports, made notifications, announced the loss to the crew and scheduled the ship to return to starbase for repairs. Outwardly the crew detected nothing but professional efficiency and drew strength from that, but in the privacy of his quarters Jean-Luc wept with overwhelming anguish. As the ship limped back to the Starbase, he debated what he would say to Jack's widow, to the woman he dearly loved. She'd notified him that she would meet them at Starbase 32 and that she intended to see Jack's body. He cringed at the thought but agreed on the condition he accompany her.

Late in the night the captain made his way to the ship's morgue and looked on his friend's lifeless body. The blast had marred the once warm and kind face with a vicious scar. "Jack," he said softly, "I'm so sorry. What can I tell her? Or Wesley?" After he was sure he would receive no answer, he silently walked out.

=====

When Beverly met Jean-Luc, she merely smiled lop-sidedly. She looked pale and exhausted, her auburn hair worn undone and long. There was nothing to say, Jack was gone. Her eyes had lost the vibrancy he'd grown accustomed to seeing. They walked quietly to the base morgue and muttered to one another, nothing of consequence really. When the sheet was pulled back, Beverly stifled a gasp and proceeded to check for pulses, any sign of life. It was pointless, but she needed to be sure for herself, so she couldn't doubt. She needed to close this door of her life.

She stood for a time silently telling her husband goodbye - a mix of sadness, anger, regret. She stroked his face and her hand laid limply beside him on the table. Jean-Luc silently watched the interaction feeling as if he were violate a scared intimate moment. He hadn't realized that the image would forever be seared in his memory or he would have looked away.

Finally she pulled the sheet over Jack's face and again stood silent. She had been looking at nothing in particular, but she raised her eyes to meet Jean-Luc's. When their eyes met it was as if his grief had coalesced with hers and become something too great for her to bear and finally Beverly let the tears she'd held for weeks fall. Through gasps and heaves she sobbed for the loss, the futures they would never have, the memories never made. Jean-Luc wrapped his arms around her as if he could absorb some of the pain, knowing he never could.

At some point he took her to her temporary quarters on the base. He led her to her bed and she laid down curled up like a small child. He sat on the floor his back resting on the edge of the bed, listening to her ragged sobs. Eventually he heard her breath slow and he knew she'd fallen asleep. He shifted around to face her choosing to lean against the corner of the bedroom, studying her serene but tear-stained features.

He'd read the Quaices' messages that they had only told Wesley there had been and accident and his mother had gone to see his father. The process Beverly had taken of checking vital signs made sense, she didn't want to tell Wesley anything she wasn't absolutely sure of herself. She had also thrown herself into her work in the weeks until her departure to the starbase, so much so they were very afraid for her health. The exhaustion and grief had finally overwhelmed her and now he sat keeping silent vigil.

He roused himself awake at some point to find Beverly curled beside him on the floor, his hand resting on her shoulder. Glancing at the chronometer he estimated she'd slept for nearly twelve hours straight. She stirred as he pulled his hand away and lifted her head trying to rub away the aches in her body. "I'm so sorry, Jean-Luc," she said hoarsely.

"It was the least I could do," he said again, "You were exhausted."

"I haven't slept, couldn't sleep." She sat up beside him on the floor, "You don't have to stay here for me."

His mouth quirked in an attempt to smile, "I don't think it's really for you that I'm here," sighing he said, "He was my best friend, the brother I wished I had.I told Walker. He's going to meet you at Delos IV, he's helping to take care of Wesley."

"He didn't have to. I'll be alright. We'll be alright."

"I wish you wouldn't say that. None of it will be the same."

"I've come through a lot, Jean-Luc. I know it feels terrible now, but I also know it gets better." He looked at her puzzled, but was too overwhelmed to ask what she meant. Her parents' accident, Bobby from the Kevratan plague, Arvada III, she'd come through loss before and knew how to would survive. Though with Jack it hit so much closer, so much deeper, she'd invested her heart and built dreams with him and now they'd never be.

He said slowly, "I don't know how you can say that..." thinking of something else he continued,"I envied Jack, so good-natured and easy going, but still an excellent officer. I always thought you had to be detached, authoritative. The crew respected me, but they loved Jack.... Also because of you." He said it vaguely, knowing it was the closest to voicing his own deep affection for her that he would ever dare approach. "You and Wes brought him so much joy."

"That's very nice to know," sighing and scowling she continued, "Oh Jean-Luc, why didn't I let him take the temporary assignment?"

"Don't do that, Beverly. There's enough second guessing to go around. I could have easily ordered him to the other assignment, but selfishly I liked having my friend aboard."

She nodded in agreement. "I need to wash up, I'm a mess," she said as she got up off the floor. He rose after her saying something about giving her privacy. "You can stay if you like," she offered, "I need to eat too. I don't think I've eaten anything all day."

He nodded and turned to prepare something while he heard her in the shower. As he set the table the image of her in the shower drifted to mind and it mingled with the image of her in the morgue, he chastised himself for it and shook off the mental images. She emerged from the bedroom clad in a simple dark blue dress, her wet hair still wrapped in a towel."Still a mess, but at least clean," she apologized as she sar down at the table.

They ate in relative silence, as the captain regarded her cautiously. The graceful curve of her exposed neck, the warmth of her hand when she passed him a piece of fruit, slowly helped the grief fade from the present. So much so that he started considering the future, his and perhaps hers. 

Then she began to speak. She talked of telling Wesley, funeral arrangements and whether Walker would be available to speak, of where she might be posted afterwards. A list of innocuous details that served to punctuate the loss she'd just borne and the guilt he felt at having a part in it. Outwardly he was calm nearly serene, but inwardly in turmoil. Then as she finished clearing the last dishes, she hugged the seated captain from behind and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek, "Thank you for being here. Jack would've been glad I wasn't alone."

With that, so full of guilt, he could no longer tolerate Beverly's intimate proximity. He stood up abruptly, shaking his head, "I'm very sorry. I can't be here right now. Excuse me," and he promptly left. Beverly rendered speechless at the sudden movement, stared as she watched Jean-Luc leave and then at the empty room. 

In his quarters aboard ship, Jean-Luc forced himself to bed. He slept fitfully dreaming of an incensed Jack chastising his unspoken desires or a mournful Jack questioning him if the accident was planned. The worst by far was when Jack appeared most like himself asking his best friend to care for Beverly and Wesley the way he had in life. After an agonizing night, he made a silent vow to never tell Beverly of his feelings of the hopes and dreams he'd harbored for them. He stuffed the feeling so far down, they would never resurface.

=======

The months that followed were challenging, partly for the loss and partly because of decisions and investigations that were done.  Beverly finished her Delos IVinternship, again with distinction. The work she'd done there gave her any choice of plum assignments, but she elected to work near headquarters on Earth. Without Jack there was no reason to limit herself to bases within the _Stargazer_'s reach, so working at Headquarters gave her access to many of the high ranking Starfleet and Federation officials.

After learning of his father's death, Wesley became nearly silent. It frightened Beverly so used to his constant barrage of questions and observations. Both attended the recommended counseling, but overwhelmingly the boy felt confusion. He was used to his father being gone, but was confused to see his Uncle Jean-Luc at the funeral. It eventually shifted to anger both at his presence and his distant demeanor. 

In absence of his father, the small boy only wanted to show his uncle that he'd finished the model ship, but he was rebuffed by the adults around him. Beverly was thankful when Walker could stop by for a visit because these were the only times Wes seemed even remotely like himself.

=====

"You heard about the _Stargazer_?" Walker asked. Beverly nodded, she was enjoying a quiet lunch with her friend while Wesley was at school. She insisted he still attend, despite his relatively withdrawn demeanor and some relief for herself. It was wearying to see her son so isolated.

"Yes, I heard. I'm glad Jean-Luc is alright."

"You haven't talked to him then?"

She shook her head no. "Not since the funeral...and that was just the perfunctory statements."

"Beverly, what happened? You two were so close." Walker still had friends on the Stargazer after he left for his own command. They had noticed a marked difference in their captain's demeanor. Keeping even his senior staff at a professional distance, he could be pleasant even laugh a little, but only in professional settings. There were no dinners with friends, drinks in the mess, just the captain quietly going to his quarters for a good book.

"I wish I knew. After he abruptly walked out, he hasn't come by, not even a note.... maybe it was just too much for him. Wes and I keep reminding him of 'what ifs' or he just hasn't grieved enough yet," she mused.

"Well you seemed settled here at least. You like the assignment at headquarters?"

"Walker, I'm going to take an extended leave. Private practice. Wes hasn't been doing well, maybe without the work pressures, a new environment, it'd give him a chance to reset. There's too much news of starships and accidents around here."

"He has been very quiet. I remember listening to Jack trying to answer all his questions. Those two could talk so much, I was exhausted just listening."

"He's better when you visit though," she said. Remembering to when news of the Stargazer's destruction had come through, she paused. She'd heard Wes' footsteps head to his room, she knew he'd overheard and figured he wanted to be alone and truthfully she wanted to be alone too.Then she heard something fall and the sounds of something scraping and dropping. When she approached her son's door she found a box outside with his beloved model shattered inside. He wouldn't explain or speak to her about it. 

"Well when you get settled let me know. We'll keep in touch. Maybe when you're ready to come back, I'll be in need of a CMO," he winked. "I know where I can find a great one."

Beverly blushed, "I'm counting on you to visit and pleasevkeep an eye out for Jean-Luc.Even if he doesn't want to see me, let him know I still care. People need that even if they can't respond."

Walker nodded and smiled. As he left, he hoped that his friends would be able to heal. He knew Beverly had to focus on her son and was glad. Beverly could be so strong when she was in pain that she'd forget others around her may need more help. He had a sinking suspicion that Jean-Luc, while outwardly strong, was one of those people who needed more help. As he left her home he mused _They'd be a perfect match if they'd just admit it to themselves._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was agony to write.


	7. Fresh Start

The mother and son arrived in their small townhome. She'd picked it because it was close to his school and her work. It was neat and efficient, still lacking in any items that would make it theirs. It had a small yard attached and their unit overlooked an open space preserve. Growing up on Arvada III and on Caldos with her grandmother, she'd hated tending the garden of medicinal plants, but now she looked forward to the opportunity to tend a garden.

Wesley looked around, curious though said nothing. He noticed how quiet this place was even when he was outside. No hum of power generators, no bustle of officers or equipment, no more alerts or intercom pages. He'd come to hate the noise, he'd connected every page for sickbay usually meant an accident or injury. It made his tummy hurt. _ Somebody else's Daddy or Mommy  _ he thought.

Here it was quiet only the breeze or birds outside. Wes walked into his room on the second floor, he imagined himself climbing to a secret hiding place. It was bright and had a big window shaded by a large tree outside and it looked out on the preserve. He carefully pushed the sheer curtain aside and opened the window a crack, a novelty as base and ship windows naturally didn't open. He could feel the rush of air come in and hear the creek that ran through the preserve. He laid down on his bed and just listened.  _ Later, I'll tell Mommy I like it here, she'll like that  _ he thought.

Beverly came to the room and found her son sprawled on the bed, eyes shut, his face peaceful. He hadn't looked that way for a very long time.Beverly had pushed through her grief quickly, taught that Howards were tough and got right to what needed to be done, no time for self-pity. She hadn't realized how hard Wes had struggled to keep up until this moment.Gently she stroked the boy's arm to wake him.

"Wes, do you want to eat anything for dinner?" she asked. In the year since Jack's death, Wes hadn't always been willing or able to eat, but she always offered. He blinked awake slowly, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. "Mommy? It's dinner? Yes, I'm kind of hungry."

The two walked down and shared a simplemeal. She explained about starting school in a week, but offered him more time if he needed. He said he was ready, and asked if she was ready for her work. She assured him that she was.They sat talking and reading until bedtime. It was the beginning of their new normal she thought.As she settled her son in his bed for the night he drowsily said, "Mommy, I think I like it here. It's quiet." She smiled and said good night and sighed in relief.  _ It is quiet  _ she thought _ it's time for that._

=======

=======

"Ugh. Why do you talk so much?!? Don't you ever shut up?"

Wes stopped and stared at his classmate, a little girl with a head full of perky, dark curls and a perpetual expression of eight-year-old disdain.The class had been discussed the history of Federation exploration, but Wes had gotten side-tracked by the development of warp technology used in exploration. As he worked with his project partner, he enthusiastically explained about power configurations, dilithium lattices, and other things he remembered his father and beloved uncles had told him.

Nobody at this school had realized the victory of these moments. After his father's passing and hearing of his uncle's ship being destroyed, Wes had withdrawn at school and, at home, would retreat to his room and the math puzzles his father taught him. Instinctively his grieving six-year-old self retreated to a place where answers made sense, when his world made none.

Now nearly eight at a civilian school, Wes began to heal, again progressing rapidly in academics and making friends. His mother silently rejoiced in seeing him act like the bright, curious child he had been and his teachers appreciated his intellect and enthusiasm.

Wes stared at the little girl stunned and ready to withdraw, when some of his mother's Howard spirit rose within him. His little face contorted into a scowl, little hands balled into fists. By now his teacher noticed the activity in that corner of the room and approached. He took a deep breath and shouted, "I will NOT! You're being rude! What I told you is right and if you don't want to learn, you're being stupid!"He flopped back in his chair arms folded across his little chest, the girl stunned into silence. 

Later his mother would listen to the teacher relate the altercation, how the little girl apologized for telling him to 'shut up' and how Wes had refused to apologize for calling her 'stupid'. Wes stood listening to the facts withering with embarrassment and wishing he was invisible. Beverly explained to the teacher that she would discuss better ways to handle disagreements with Wesley at home."Come on, Wes. Let's head home," she said. He held her hand and walked downcast with her, dreading another reprimand. 

Once home, Beverly knelt in front of her son and softly asked, "Wes, did you really say all that to Rana?"He nodded, unable to meet her eyes. She merely pulled him close for a long time until she felt his little body melt into her. "Come on, Wes. Let's share a banana split. You've had a rough day."

That night as his mother kissed him good night, he asked, "Mommy?...Am I in trouble for what happened today?"

She looked gently at him and said, "No, Wes. Not with me."

"Why, Mommy?"

"Because I kind of think you were right and the fact that you said it probably comes from me," she laughed. "When I was little, blurting things out got me in plenty of trouble, but I learned better ways to say things and you will too."

She paused remembering Jack and considering if she should add it. She smiled and continued, "When I got very angry about something, your Daddy would say, 'Oooooh! Here's the Howard Dragon. Don't eat me, Dragon!!!' Then he'd pretend to be very scared or pretend to have a sword and guard himself," she said as she acted out Jack's ridiculous expression and antics, triggering Wesley's giggles. "He would keep doing that until I'd laugh and couldn't be mad anymore."

"I miss Daddy. We don't get to talk about him anymore," Wes said softly.

"I miss him too, but we can still talk about him, remember him."

"I thought we couldn't."

"Of course we can. Why do you think we can't?"

"It just everybody whispers about him or they stop talking when I come nearby. The grown ups, I mean."

She sighed and smiled. "I think they're trying not to make you sad. It's silly really because it's OK to be sad. Besides when we remember the nice things, it makes me a little less sad, don't you think?" He smiled and settled into his bed. He looked more and more like Jack as he grew and certainly took after him in his interests, but as he drifted off to a peaceful sleep, Beverly felt grateful that part of her spirit gave her son courage when he needed it.


	8. New Passions and Misadventures

Beverly took up dancing again trying to find something to fill her free time. In the civilian healthcare system, there wasn't as much of a need for extended long shifts or as many emergency incidents. She found a studio where she discovered her dance skills had not been lost altogether.

Owing to her inherently determined nature and already in a mindset to participate fully in their new community, Beverly signed herself up for an upcoming dance competition. Her classmates were a bit surprised, but overwhelmingly encouraging. Over months she practiced a routine she choreographed with her instructors. As with all things she determined to do, Beverly was successful and earned top honors in her category before her extremely proud eight year old. Then she took her trophy home and set it on a shelf, thinking no more of it other than fun experience. 

The next day, Wes emerged from the school surrounded by a small entourage of unfamiliar classmates. 

"Wes, who are all these children?" she whispered to him. 

"Mom, you're like famous now. See..." and he showed her his PADD loaded with her competition performance. "It was on thebroadcast last night.Everybody in the city knows you now and I told the class that it was you," he explained beaming with pride.

The children, now joined by Wes' teachers, peppered her with questions and congratulations. Beverly was a mix of appreciative and embarrassed by all the attention. Then one of the children coined the phrase "Dancing Doctor" and it stuck. From then on she was known by the children as "Wesley's mom, the Dancing Doctor." 

Beverly would have thought it adorable, if it had remained in the school yard.Unfortunately a few of the children's parents worked at the hospital and the phrase followed her there. It came up in staff meetings, in consultations, and in one mortifying incident at a hospital fundraising event.She had known how quickly news travelled in the confines of ships and bases, but hadn't expected it in the civilian community.

She related the entire situation to Walker and Missy on one of their visits. To which they unsympathetically rolled with laughter until she eventually had to laugh with them.After a few uncomfortable weeks the fuss died down, though periodically her pediatric patients would offer to demonstrate their dance steps for the "Dancing Doctor."

=======

"Walker, how are you? It's been too long." Jean-Luc said over subspace.

"I'm well the _Horatio_'s been busy. Patrolling the borders keeping watch over the Federation. How about you?"

"Living the life of an academic, lecturing for the lower level archaeology courses."

The two men sat in momentary silence unsure what to say next, knowing what they were mutually concerned about. Walker was angry when Beverly had related the circumstances of Jean-Luc's departure and total lack of contact afterwards. For him it was a betrayal to Jack's memory to abandon Beverly when she clearly needed support. It also made no sense knowing the deep convictions and character of the man he saw on the screen before him.

Walker was the first to break the stalemate. "I was just at Headquarters for a refit. Stopped in St. Louis to visit Beverly with Missy." Jean-Luc nodded vaguely, unwilling to offer more interest though inwardly he craved to hear more. "She's settling well in civilian practice. Wes is better too, both doing well."

"Glad to hear it." It was a tiny phrase given from his unreadable demeanor, but inwardly Jean-Luc was relieved. He could ignore and even forget Beverly and his guilt, convinced of her strength and ability. But when questioned directly, his feelings would surface threatening to disrupt his normally unshakeable clarity and focus. Again a silent tension lingered until Walker could stand it no longer. 

"Dammit, Jean-Luc. It's been three years! Why won't you talk to her?"

His eyes flashed with surprise at the outburst. "Walker," he warned, looking defeated, "It's complicated." 

"She doesn't blame you for Jack. She's just confused why you've dropped out of their lives," Walker sighed knowing he'd get no further."Anyway, I'm forwarding a recording for you. You'll find it entertaining. It's funnier if she tells the story behind it, but since you're being an ass, this'll have to do... Jean-Luc, just talk to her or at least a letter," he hesitated knowing he was heading toward forbidden territory, "Whatever else she may be to you, she's your friend as much as Jack was. Keel out."

Jean-Luc buried his head in his hands, feeling an overwhelming burden that Walkerwas right, but also knowing his own secret desires had betrayed Jack.Hoping to put his conflict on hold, he opened the file Walker sent. He was surprised when he saw a stage and Beverly's lithe form. Walker had sent him the recording from the dance competition. He smiled as he saw her nimble footwork and grace as she exacted her steps to joyful, spirited music. It relieved him to see her happy, an assurance for his heart that she was in a healthy place.

========

========

The work was different from Starfleet bases and sickbays. There most everybody was young and fit, in prime condition to meet the demands of the life.There were more species, since Starfleet accepted cadets from all over the Federation. Work in the civilian healthcare system was busy, but she found it rather dull. Civilians weren't as motivated to maintain peak condition, so the types of ailments varied more. The civilians also were primarily human, but Beverly liked seeing so many children and elders.

Beverly sat in a corner of the garden patio on the campus of the hospital. It was her habit to sit there in the afternoons to have a break and enjoy the fresh air. The patio was the only part she really enjoyed. Sickbays and starbases had arboretums at best, but the artificial light and recirculated air could not compare to a real outdoor garden. She normally sat alone, but today a companion approached.

"Hello, I noticed you sitting here and was wondering if you'd like to go for coffee some time?" She'd heard the question before, but it was getting blurred; different faces, voices, hair and on one surprising occasion, different gender. Beverly had gotten good at making apologies and excuses, but this time was different. 

He was younger than the rest and he knew it, the playful glint in his eye made her smile. Maybe it was this or maybe because he reminded her of a time when she felt she could heal the entire galaxy, she looked at him with equally playful suspicion. He continued, "Look I've seen you here the past few weeks and asked around about you. See I have problem," he said gravely still with that playful look in his eyes.

"Oh? What's that?"

"Well...I think it maybe terminal. See, I'm hopelessly attracted to auburn-haired goddesses, such as yourself," he said with a mischievous smirk.

She burst out laughing at the absurdity of the line. He did as well, which of course was his goal."Well I hope that means I can join you. My name's Mark," he said with a hopeful look. She nodded indicating the seat across from her. 

"Beverly," she answered and shook his hand. "So, Mark, you've been watching me. What have you already learned about me?" 

He told her he knew she'd left Starfleet, that she had a young son and lost her husband. His eyes were still hopeful, but more sympathetic than she would have expected for somebody his age. Beverly was relieved that at least she didn't have to tell the story again and maybe that's why she agreed to meet him the next day for coffee.

The coffee became a regular occurrence, then an occasional dinner when Wes was at a friend's home. He was a graduate student working on doctoral degree in horticulture, thoughtful, and liked to pet people's dogs as they walked through the park next to the hospital grounds. He'd been assigned an internship at the hospital regarding public-use landscaping, which is how he saw her on the patio. She talked about medicinal plants, how she liked cats and enjoyed dancing. Beverly laughed more easily than she had in years because of his ridiculous sense of humor. 

One evening they were walking after dinner and he reached for her hand. She was a little surprised, but didn't resist it. He stopped and turned to look in her face. Slowly he lowered his face to hers and kissed her gently. She pulled away and studied him, then slowly kissed him again allowing him to deepen the contact. As he pulled her closer,her arms slid up to his shoulders. Beverly felt her heart race; the thrill of pleasure, excitement and an then an overwhelming feeling of wrongness, like she'd stumbled into a parallel version of herself. His shoulders felt too tall, his face the wrong angle, his scent unfamiliar. 

She broke away suddenly. "Mark, I...I'm sorry," she stammered, "I shouldn't have..."

"No," he said, "I'm sorry, I misunderstood."

"No, you didn't. It's what I thought I wanted, but I...I have to think." He nodded disappointedly and walked her home in silence. She kissed his cheek awkwardly and wordlessly went inside. That night Beverly tossed and turned, her mind a flurry of images and memories. When she woke the next morning, she was thankful that Wes had been sleeping at a friend's house and that morning brought clarity.

They met again as usual for coffee, but it was never the same. They'd blundered across the line between friendship and romance and it was painful trying to cross back. He said he always felt on guard, like his actions would be misconstrued and she always felt like she'd disappointed him. They never really fought, but gradually the awkwardness won out over whatever enjoyment they'd had. They tried to maintain the friendship, but gradually the dinners stopped, coffee breaks became rarer, and eventually stopped.


	9. Old Path

"Captain Keel, the Admiral is ready to see you now," the young aide announced. Walker sighed and went inside. He was greeted by an older man he knew well. Of the admiralty, Quinn was one of the administrators Keel could respect, having had his fair share of experiences aboard ships and leading a crew. Plus Keel knew he could be downright fun, given the right circumstances.

"Walker, good to see you," he said as he proffered his hand. "Please have a seat."

"Greg. So what have you cooked up for me?" he asked, trying not to sound obviously annoyed. The older man laughed.

"You know me too well. Ok. No beating around the bush. You remember Jack Crusher of course." Walker stared at him incredulous. The admiral knew they'd been close, so the question was blunt and unnecessary. Seeing the captain's expression, the admiral softened his tone. "I'm sorry, I'd forgotten. I know you and Jean-Luc were close with the Crusher family."

"Am close, Greg, at least in my case. Jean-Luc has kept his distance."

The admiral nodded conveying his understanding with a thoughtful look, but shook off his concerns. "Back to why I brought you here. Lt.Cmdr. Crusher had put forth a proposal years ago for ships to have families aboard. Gave reasons for this and recommendations for safety and design elements. The admiralty was impressed, been doing research on all aspects of this and are finally ready to move forward to the next design iteration."

"He would have been pleased to have contributed. He often said it was hard to be away from his family, felt like he missed out on a lot."

"We're picking out ships to pilot having families on board. The Horatio is one of them, you seem to have a higher percentage of crew with families already. We'll forward you the specifications of what we're looking for." Walker nodded. Having seen first hand the difficulties how loss could challenge survivors, he'd been more accommodating than most captains. He also felt it a waste of talent when officers were forced to select positions based on family needs rather than their skills. 

"Alright, Greg, but I'll need a new CMO. Mine's good, but I think, ready to retire. Besides he doesn't have enough experience with pediatrics or family care. If we're serious about bringing aboard families, that'll be important."

"Good point, I'm assuming you have somebody in mind." He eyed Walker knowingly, who nodded with a smirk. "You'll have my full support in your choice."

"Thank you, Greg. I'll be in touch." He said as he stood to leave.

"Walker? Tell Dr. Crusher 'Hello' for me."

======

======

"What do you think, Beverly?"

"I don't know, Walker. Things are easy, calm here," she replied. 

Walker was visiting her and Wesley, which was always a joyful time for them, a chance to reminisce and reconnect. In the absence of Jack and Jean-Luc, Walker had stepped in the role of beloved uncle and role model for Wesley. Now they were relaxing after a family meal, but this time Walker had a different agenda, he'd offered her the CMO position on the  Horatio . He'd laid his offer out carefully, offering her the previous rank, a challenging position, plus the authority to choose whether or not she would go on away missions, and permission to bring Wesley on board. His ship was not equipped for families, but assured her that she could select a tutor to assist with supervision and educational needs in keeping with his advanced interests and abilities.

"Calm, easy and boring, if you'll admit it. You miss the discovery side, different species, new life forms. I remember you when you were a student."

She smiled knowing he was right. Still going back to Starfleet, the higher pressure she could take, but she worried about Wesley. Then again he was older nearly ten had worked through a lot of the anxiety he'd had after Jack's death.

Wesley could see his mom considering the possibilities. Nearly obsessive in his interest in starships, he devoured specifications and technical manuals occasionally at the detriment of his school work. He was nearly bursting with excitement at the prospect of being aboard a ship. He shared an eager look with his uncle who subtlety indicated he should say nothing. 

Walker continued, "There's another reason I'm asking. Besides the fact that it's a damned shame for you to waste your skills on routine civilian work. Beverly, they've just announced a new class of ships coming out in a few years. Galaxy class. Gorgeous if the preliminary designs are any indication."

"Walker, I'm sure the ship is fine, but why do I need to be on it?"

"They're putting civilians and families on the Galaxy class ships: schools, childcare, living quarters. Ability to separate the civilian sections in the event of a safety concern. The Horatio is a bit of a pilot program for the civilian staffing needs. Wes could come aboard and have peers and educational opportunities he couldn't get anywhere else. I already told them they'll need CMOs that have experience with families too. Right now very few of the Starfleet docs have that, except for the specialty facilities."

Walker could see this had piqued her interest. Beverly's bright blue eyes flashed thinking about the challenge, the eventual opportunity to form a new class of ships. Trying to downplay his pleasure at her interest, "Bottom line: I need a good CMO and if you want to be on one of those new ships, you'll need recent, active experience."

She looked at her friend and her son and their eager faces. She knew it was only a matter of time before they would convince her. She shook her head, resigned to both what her heart told her and what these faces were begging of her. She smiled and said, "Ok. Let's do it."

======

"Well I got her back to Starfleet."

"I'm glad for that, Walker. You've been good to them."

At this point Walker had given up trying to budge his friend to reconnect with Beverly. He didn't really understand it and had resigned himself to the fact that if they were meant to be they'd reconnect. Jean-Luc had mentioned being involved with a woman named Ariel, somebody connected to the archaeological work he'd been doing. Knowing this made Walker bold enough to ask what he'd always avoided.

"Jean-Luc, was there anything between you and Beverly? I mean not that you or she would ever cross a line..."

If Walker had asked any time before, he might have denied it, but now with somebody in his life, he could answer. "Maybe I fancied being in love with her once. Probably more a product of infatuation, maybe envy for what Jack had. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing I just wondered why you've stayed away. I guess it's not important now. She's moved on or rather back to Starfleet."

"She has more pressing concerns, I'm sure." Jean-Luc told himself this every time he thought of her, but even he could not deny the little twinge of something in his heart. He could not or would not ask himself whether the feeling was guilt, regret or love which was something altogether more frightening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ive got her back to Starfleet, but it's kind of boring now. I'd kind of forgotten P/C didn't really have contact for like 10 years. I may just scrap trying to make it fit and go A/U, maybe focus more Wesley. Who knows?
> 
> References bits n pieces from the novels.

**Author's Note:**

> I can see why they wouldn't have bothered going into this for the show. It was sad, so so sad.
> 
> I hope to do a second part that goes from here to when the show started.


End file.
